Homeless Man Solves Middle East Crisis!

Around the globe echoed the same lament: "We should have listened to him earlier."


"Harry Homeless, the runaway winner of the Nobel Peace prize, was his typical humble self upon receiving the award. "Gosh, somebody had to do it. We had to save the children and small animals." It all began with his now famous "Give Peace a Chance" campaign. Repeating over and over the great John Lennon's anthem, he was able to garner world wide attention. This campaign - which can only be described as genius - effectively destroyed the terrorist movement and ended the era of asshole talk radio.

The turning point was a simple interview with a rabid right wing nut of that time. We go back now to that famous incident:

"It's just stupid going around saying "peace" all the time. You're making a fool of yourself. Sometimes you've got to have war!"

"Oh, you only chide me because I'm right. It's must be hell defending an immoral position like that."

"I have no problem defending my position! I know I'm right. I have no problems whatsoever!"

"Look, pal, anyone as uptight as you definitely has problems. Be free, talk about it. Maybe we can pull that corncob out your ass. Wouldn't that feel better?"

"There's only one problem I got and it's-"

"Wait, wait, that doesn't make any sense. Here in the script-"

"There's no script!"

"Yeah, right here where one minute you say you have no problems then the next minute you say I am your problem. See? That doesn't resolve."

"Then I wasn't going to say you were my problem-"

"So it's people like me..."

"No, not that either."

"Then it's my thinking you hate!"

"No, uh-"

"Oh, I see. You don't like the way I breathe or walk or fart! That's it, isn't it! You don't think I have the right to fart!"

"Of course, you have the right to fart. I mean-"

"So you think I should fart!"

"Of course not-"

"I knew it. A fart hater! Fuck you, I'm going to fart!"

Soon signs were posted all across the Middle East declaring, "Fuck you, I'm going to fart!" Both Jew and Arab and Muslim and Christian walked hand in hand, united in their right to bear flatulence. Terrorist organizations were outraged.

"Stop this! You people are crazy! You must hate each other!"

"Fuck you, we're going to fart!"

"No, no! We're melting! Stop! This is terror to us!"

But the only reply was a communal emission of bodily gas, sending the would-be terrorists into heartfelt pleas for forgiveness. The hate movement in the United States also subsided in a blanket of shame. Strangers began spontaneously hugging one another proudly proclaiming, "I gave peace a chance." Thank God for Harry Homeless, he saved us all from God knows what hell. And now, in accordance with the Zatoichi Principle, it's up to all of us to carry on his work. Peace is our love."

Boys Will Be Boys... Bombs Will Be Bombs

Is there anything more fatal than the human ego? We just always gotta believe we're the good guys. So we build bombs and other goodies to blow up the "bad guys". Then, ya know, we gotta find a reason to use them. "Five hundred years ago your ancestor spit on my ancestor!" "You look at me funny I kill your ass!" "Hey, nice oil!" The reasons are really immaterial, just so long as we get to kick some ass!

Here's the strange, twisted tale to date as I see it: See, you had some Darkies move into Whitie's neighborhood. Now, no matter what Darkie might do, Whitie ain't NEVER gonna be right wit dat. Problem is, them there Darkies all know karate and shit and every time Whitie tries to kick them out they gets their white asses beat! It even got to the point where some of the Whities was given up da ghost.

But dem Whities in da hoods wasn't down wit dat. So they took the car of one of them pussy pacifist neighbors, rammed it into Darkie's house and ran like hell. Ooooh, Darkie was some pissed off boys! They couldn't find who done drove dat car so they wents to tearing up the house the car came from. Better 'n' nothin', they figgers. But now you got them pacifist neighbors mad as a hornet and everyone pointing at Darkie saying what assholes they is. Funny, huh!

There's a lot of hand wringing going on about those fun loving boys in the Middle East. Think I ought to go over and chant "Give Peace a Chance"? (Would love to if only to listen to all the "outrage" over my "misguided" efforts. Man, would that be funny!) Well, it's not like we were on the path to world peace before all this started. Didn't they know papers got signed saying everything would be OK? Oh yeah, papers mean nothing. What's in the human heart means everything.

I hear talk of "assessing blame" and "inappropriate action" and which side is right and which side is wrong and a bunch of other hooey. Does anyone really think problems are being solved by these killings? Truth is there are only two sides involved here: those who want war and those who want peace. Pick your poison but remember: We can work it out!

The Female Predator

She was smokin' hot and every guy in the hotel bar knew it - including Bitter Man. Bitter Man watched her sexy ass and dreamed of her smooth, toned legs. He got all twisted up inside aching for her. All the boys were toys to her, she always got her way. The Female Predator. She cared not what went on in the men around her, that was their problem.


Bitter Man went to his room of anguish - bitter he had to once more visit it. He cursed God and all things in the universe. "Just once I wish I could hurt God like he hurts me! Make his goddam ass need a woman!" There was death and then there was this. Powerless and hopeless, he bent another time in the unbearable agony of his need. Boiling in the flames of hell, he seethed with rage at his very existence. What had Man done to be so cruelly crippled?

Glaring at the girl who checked him out of the hotel, Bitter Man fumed his way to the car. He understood the serial killers who attacked women. It was a futile attempt to get back at Life. He understood the barbarity of war was to mimic the barbarity of men's needs. There would be no peace till he was six feet under. Why did God hate him so?

Predator Woman rejoiced at the sound of the approaching car. She had swerved to avoid a wreck, run the car into a ditch, had her heel break off as she stepped out and slid to the edge of a small cliff where she now hung by the roots of a small bush. Little did she know her luck was about to get worse.

Bitter Man pulled over in curiousity - then he saw her. Excitement filled his nostrils as he recognized the perfume and golden head of hair. For the first time ever he had a sense of power over one of them. His instinct was to help, his bitterness declined. She always got what she wanted. He grinned a delicious grin.

"Not many people come down this road."

"I know. Pull me up already."

"I dunno. I'm kind of enjoying this."

"What are you? Some kind of sicko?? Help me up!"

Yes, he had her in torment at last. Bitter Man wished it could last forever. Predator Woman was shocked at male disobedience. Incredulous, she listened to his dissertation.

"You know, all those woman protesting Playboy have it all wrong. Playboy takes advantage of men, not women. It's like that everywhere: how we're supposed to feel so sorry for you and sacrifice ourselves for you. I've never seen a woman beg before. This is really quite interesting." He squatted to take a closer look.

"You want me to beg, I'll beg. OK?"

"Oh, begging won't help. It never has me. My dick hasn't felt a woman's leg in 25 years."

"Well, don't take it out on me! For God's sake that's not my fault. That's completely unfair!"

"Oh, yes, it's totally unfair needing someone." He still made no move.

"Well, so...are you going to help me or not??"

"No, I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. Your are going to hang on with all your might until you can resist no more. A feeling I know well. Then you will fall - not far enough to kill you - but enough to hurt you and perhaps cripple you for life. Another feeling I know well. And all the time this is going on one question will keep running over and over in your mind: Why? Why is this happening to me?"

Bitter Man could see the venom building in her eyes. He knew her response long before she spoke it for he had posed that question a thousand countless times already. Such a sweet victory and yet still no satisfaction. He was almost bored with her predictability.

"I know why this is happenening to me. It's because some asshole is too bitter to be a man and help a woman he can't fuck! Well, I hope you never have another woman the rest of your life!"

Bitter Man started walking back to his car. "You sound so bitter!" he laughed. That's when she started pleading. He knew it would come to this: hatred one minute, begging the next. How beautiful it was to hear all his inner torment played out by his tormenter. As one with a lifetime of such experiences, he went on to verbally manipulate her between rage and begging and bribery and despair. Finally, she broke.

"I can't solve your problems for you. Can't you understand that? You just have to help yourself. No one can do it for you. There's nothing more I can say."

"I feel your frustration. You see someone in a postion to help you and they do nothing. Of course, I could take your money and walk away laughing. I've certainly seen that done often enough. 'Stupid man. Silly man.' they would say. But this stupid man is too pathetic to help you." He started his car's engine. "Feel as you wish but nothing can change that." And then he drove off.

Waves of anger and tears oscillated within her to where she resigned herself to numbness. Looking up at the darkening sky, feeling her grip slipping and pondering a painful fate creeping upon her she wondered: why does God hate me so?

A Soldier's Battle

O'DONNELL: Welcome back to HARDBALL. An army officer is facing serious charges for not deploying to Iraq with his Fort Lewis, Washington, combat team. Lieutenant Ehren Watada believes the war in Iraq is illegal and is refusing to go, but he is willing to serve in Afghanistan or elsewhere. If convicted, he could face almost eight years in prison.

I actually got to see this entire segment on TV. It was frustrating to watch the Lieutenant's father speak in moral terms and his counterpart speak in legal terms. I don't think either heard the other. One thing's for sure: if you've sold your soul to the army, you damn well better not ask for it back.

This is an amazing story to me. In a way, he's the bravest soldier in the army. Risking years in prison, he takes a stand many others wish they had the courage and conviction to make. The man arguing against him was the usually plainspeaking Iraqi veteran Paul Hackett, an outspoken critic of the war. But he did not have the courage of Lieutenant Watada during his tour of combat and was now bitter. Nothing worse than saying something can't be done and then watch somebody do it. Yes, you can refuse to go.

Hackett's reasoning didn't hold water:

"I would suggest that [Lt. Watada's] voice and his opinions would be far more valid and heard across America if he served his soldiers and led them in Iraq, and came back and, if he still felt that way, chose to speak out against the war."

Huh? That's like saying you can't speak out against murder unless you've done it, that way you have more credibility.

In regards to Lt. Watada criticizing the President:
"I have been far more outspoken and critical of the president of the United States, using far more incendiary language than that, but not while wearing the uniform, not in my capacity as a serviceman and certainly not on active duty."

Hackett said a soldier had no right to pick and choose which wars he would fight in. Reality is, you can't pick and choose when you have a soul. Waiting till you're out of uniform to speak is chickenshit. This President is a traitor. Silence is unpatriotic.

"He's made the decision not only to join the military, but also to be publicly critical of the president, which is his right. But like Henry David Thoreau, when you make that decision, you have to take the punishment and there's no ambiguity within the culture of the military that when you cross that line, you‘re going to be punished."

At the very beginning, the Lieutenant's father said his son is willing to go to jail. Hackett is talking as if Watada thinks he's going to go free. Lt. Watada's message is this: "It's better to go to jail than to kill wrongly". What Hackett heard is this: "You're saying I killed wrongly!" Now you see why Hackett was so passionate in his response.


The flip reply to all this is to say that to defend Watada is to not understand the military and how it needs to work. Oh, I understand alright - crystal. But think of this: what if Hitler's army had refused to heed him? Or Saddam's? What if they had followed their conscience? (I know, I know, we can't have everyone quit being soldiers because then the world would have no armies and we wouldn't be safe. Hey, wait a minute...)

The Inner Idiot

Sitting back, alone in his space, the man had time to reflect.

Yes! Yes! I did it! I conned them all! Only a true person can lie and get away with it. It's my integrity that allows this to happen. Yeah, that's it. All those people talking bad about me...what do they know? I'm a success. Yes, yes, I'm a success no matter what they say. I've got others serving me and lauding me and kissing my ass. It's the greatest feeling ever. I can never get enough. If only they knew! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

How far can I go?? They want me to lie. It makes them feel good to see a liar like they are succeed. Maybe I can do anything. Wouldn't that be great! Just do whatever I want. Only a righteous man can do that. The ultimate proof God loves me. The ultimate proof I'm on the right path. I am an instrument of God.

This proves I have a soul. This proves I'm right about everything. I'm really shit but I don't have to change. Only losers have to change. I can stay being shit forever. I'm a winner!

The voice on the intercom interrupted. "Mr. President, it's time for your press conference."

The inner idiot was gleeful. Walk tall and proud like the greatest man ever. They'll never know the difference. Heeheehee!

On The Right Side

A man had tried to interfere in the ways of the righteous, but they put him in his place. The angry crowd was still abuzz about the interloper.

"The gall of that man. Just who did he think he was to judge us."

"We're the good guys. We're the ones doing God's work. The man was perverse!"

"Godless is the word. The absolute definition of liberalism: bleeding heart, protecting the bad guys, never thinking about the greater good."

"Well this is one case where good triumphed over evil!" Many high fives were exchanged. "I think we sent a message today about the value of defending what's right. Terror is the only thing scum like him understands."

"Funny part is that self-righteous bastard thought he could stop us just by saying: 'Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone'. Talk about self-deceived. Bet he thought twice after he got about fifty rocks thrown at his sorry ass!" Much laughter followed.

"I don't think we'll be seeing the likes of him again. Not after what we did. Hopefully this will make people wake up and see the light. You just can't let everyone go around committing crimes! Are we the only ones with a brain?"

"I admit I was stupid like him when I was young but age brings wisdom and now I'm conservative like a smart man should be. Shame that Jesus guy had to learn the hard way but his death will serve as a good example as to what kind of behavior will be tolerated. I feel much better about our future after today."

"Hey, what was that last word he said? I couldn't quite make it out."

"'Shameless' was the word. At least in the end we helped him to realize what he was."

My Biggest Mistake

My biggest mistake was when I was a child and I decided to never show my feelings or admit I had any at all. I did this knowing any social life then would not be possible.

My second biggest mistake was getting out of the car when I was 17. I was in the garage with the door closed and the car running. Had I shown myself mercy then and died, I could have saved myself a lifetime of suffering. I stopped the engine on blind faith - a faith badly misplaced.

Death is my only friend now. Certainly none of you can be. Grant me mercy, God, it's been time to go for a long, long time.