Elmer Shoots a Libberul

"Damn, that felt good!" said Elmer, propping his rifle against the wall and settling into a rocking chair. "Much better now."

"Whatcha been up to, Elmer?" asked Leroy, already settled into his chair on the front porch.

"I went out and shots me some folks, Leroy. Yessur I did. Was a damn fine time it was!'

"Watcha shoot 'em fer?"

"Cuz they needed it!"

"Sher nuff, there be lots of folks deservin' of that..."

"Did you know there's people out there criticizin' the President of these United States??"

"And we in war time, no less! You ain't no patriot if ya's badmouthin' your country!"

"Them's exactly my thoughts too! You can't be lettin' traitors like that be runnin' around. Give 'em their way and the enemy'll do us all in!"

"That's a right fact, Elmer! Them kind got no sense at all. Not a brain in thar head."

"It's them libberuls, Leroy. They's just fuckin' up the whole lot of it." But then Elmer smiled. "Course, there be a few more less of 'em now!"

"Good on ya, Elmer! Somebody's gotta do it. You give whackos like that a chance there's no tellin' what sorta hell they'll cause!"


"Amen to that, brother! Like the Good Book says, don't stand for lettin 'evil live among ye."

"That's what I like about you, Elmer. You got common sense. Not like them bleedin' heart libberuls what just wants to go around huggin' everyone and making nice with evildoers."

"I heard me a crazy ass libberul woman on the radio comin' back. You know what this vile crap of female sez? She spits all sorts of psycho babble and whatnot preachin' how folks like us is just "projectin'" what we is on to others."

"But that's 'xactly what she's doin'!"

"Don't you know it! You know what it is, don'cha? They don't like us doin' God's work. You see how mad it gets 'em! That just shows ya how much they ain't right with the Good Lord."

"Fassists! That's what they is! Going around tellin' everyone how to think and what we should do and how we s'pposed to talk even! And then they gots the gall to get mad when we pick a few of 'em off!"

"Unbelievable, what it is! If we don't get all them libberuls the whole galldurn world's goin' to hell in a handbasket."

"What's wrong with them kind, Elmer? How comes they can't see the truth like we do?"

"They's diffrn't than us, Leroy. Tain't like us at all. That's what's wrong with 'em. Folks like that ain't ever gonna love folks like us."


"Yup, think you hit the nail right on the head. Ya can't reason with them kind. Thinkin' they know everythin' already! Just plain scary! How's someone gonna make the world a better place when they gots their mind locked up like that! Just won't lissen to any sort of sense!"

"Damn, Leroy! You got me all riled up again! I'm gonna shoots me some more of them bastards afore it's too late!"

"Good on ya, Elmer. I'm comin' with ya this time. We get twice as much that way."

"Why, thank you, Leroy. You is a good, good man. A fine fellow."

"You is mighty welcome, brother Elmer. Somebody's gotta fix this world. Might as well be you and me."

"Thank the Lord!"

"Oh, and hey, maybe we can take care of the ex when we gets back. She been pissin' the hell outta me lately!"

"That bitch!"

Oda Nobunaga's Great Moment

From the Asian point of view a sword fight is a mental battle as opposed to the western idea of it being a physical confrontation. The physical aspect of the fight is merely a playing out of a mental battle already fought. I remember watching a Japanese film once where two opposing samurai met on the road, each drawing his sword and assuming a stance ready to fight. They probed one another's eyes, searching for any weakness of the spirit, the true place of battle. But after finding nothing, the first samurai declared, "Let's call it a draw." The other agreed. Neither had moved from his initial stance but certainly warfare had transpired.

Rambo once proclaimed the mind to be the greatest weapon and nowhere was this more evident than in the sixteenth century Sengoku Jidai (warring states) era of Japan, my favorite time of Japanese history. The country was rulerless and hopelessly deadlocked between dozens and dozens of provinces vying for ultimate control. So who would win? Those who had the biggest army, or the greatest riches or the largest domain? No, it would be he of the greatest mind. And that mind belonged to Oda Nobunaga.

Oda, of the small and weak Owari province, faced a crisis point. An army of 25,000 was streamrolling its way to the Kyoto capitol and Oda's lands lay directly in its path. Already two of his outer castles had fallen and the most amount of men he could muster totaled a mere 2,500. All eyes of the clan were on Nobunaga as he considered his dilemma. But let us let Oda himself describe that time:

Yes, you know of the battle of Okehazama but do you know of The Moment? I'm not sure I can ever adequately describe that experience. It was as if the whole universe flowed through me, energizing me to the sky and connecting me to all things. Something beyond myself was happening. I was enabling history. The excitement, the fear, the sheer feeling of being alive. I fully expected to look down at my hands and see them glowing with power.

My head kept saying "No!" but it kept being washed away by these dreams of Destiny. Slowly, I started to stand and let them overtake me - my soul taking great satisfaction in that. Cries of "Yes!" grew louder and I trembled excitedly before this Leap of Faith. The fog dissipated and a vision crystallized in my mind: glorious victory. Perhaps to no man alive could I explain or defend my decision. To a man of the world it could only seem foolish to fight an army ten times your own. But to me - in that Moment - it could only be foolish not to.

Oda then famously recited and danced his way through the Atsumori song:

"A man's life of 50 years under the sky
"is nothing compared to
"the age of this world.
"Life is but a fleeting dream, an illusion --
"Is there anything that lasts forever?"
And finally, the speech he gave to his men after reaching his decision:

"Imagawa has 40,000 men marching toward this place? I don't believe that. He 'only' has 25,000 soldiers. Yes, that is still too many. So, Sado, you want me to surrender. What if we do surrender? Will you get contentment with losing your life that way? Or what if we hold on like Katsuie wants me to? What if we stay here in this castle, lock it up, and wait until the Imagawas lose appetite and stop the siege and go home? We will be able to prolong our lives for 5 or 10 days, and what we cannot defend will still be indefensible. We are at the bottom of the pit, you see. And our fate is interesting. Of course the misery is very great, too. But this is how I see it: this is a chance in a lifetime. I can't afford to miss this. Do you really want to spend your entire lives praying for longevity? We were born in order to die! Whoever is with me, come to the battlefield tomorrow morning. Whoever is not, just stay wherever you are and watch me win it!"


The rest, as they say, is history. After setting up a false camp to divert attention, Oda's scouts found the invading army's headquarters on the plains of Okehazama. The invaders were laughing at the ease of their conquest and enjoying a midday lunch until a thunderstorm broke out. Then, out of the rain, came the Oda warriors, their approach shielded by the sounds of the downpour. Soon the severed head of the invading clan leader was held in the grasp of an Oda warrior and the intruders dispersed back to where they came from. Nobunaga built on this victory to become the most powerful ruler in Japan, unifying over half the land, until he was assassinated by one of his own generals.

Kind of makes you think, huh?

The Duality of Man is the Doom of Man

In the vast, barren stretches of the Sadlands in the Land of Sir Real, cut off from all hope of comfort or civility, where the magenta, brooding sun stood forever still, doomed in perpetual twilight, Steve knew he would find only other woeful souls as lost as he. It surprised him not to see the shape of a deformed character appear on the horizon.

He was the Man of a Thousand Sticks, unbearably bent with his load of despair, pressing him inevitably to the hard, rocky surface. But stop he could not, for to stop was to die.

"Woe is me! Woe is me! Sir Real rebukes me because I be!"

Steve, a fucked man himself, could relate to that. But one question begged to be asked.

"Dude! Why don't you just drop that bundle? It's obviously killing you."

"Enemy thine! Oh sure, drop my bundle and remove all meaning and purpose from my life! It is my despair that drives me, keeps me alive!"

As happened so many times before in the Land of Sir Real, Steve's mind brainlocked before he could answer. "You can't get meaning from despair! There's no point in killing yourself."

"I only know what I know and I know nothing! But this I know: my life must have meaning!"

"But look at you! Don't you care about your dreams and your hopes?"

"You think me insane? Of course I care!"

"Then why not drop your load?"

"It's the duality of man: I don't care that I care."
[Sarcasm Alley]
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Pogue Colonel: Marine, what is that button on your body armor?
Private Joker: A peace symbol, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Where'd you get it?
Private Joker: I don't remember, sir.
Pogue Colonel: What is that you've got written on your helmet?
Private Joker: "Born to Kill", sir.
Pogue Colonel: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Private Joker: No, sir.
Pogue Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you.
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
Private Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
Pogue Colonel: The what?
Private Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?
Private Joker: Our side, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Don't you love your country?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Son, all I've ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every gook there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
Private Joker: Aye-aye, sir.

[Full Metal Jacket]
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DOWD: I don’t have a great public support – I don’t publicly support the president anymore, but I think it’s an awful stretch to say the guy would call terror alerts and sort of to get votes out of the deal. [audience reacts with vocal skepticism] I wonder where the audience is on this. [laughter]

MAHER: Yeah, right. Well, because his reputation as a man who deserves honor and integrity is so strong. [laughter] [applause] [cheers] But—

DOWD: People can be honest and stupid.

MAHER: Yes, and they can be honest and – dishonest and corrupt. And he is both. [applause] [cheers] But, okay.

GOLDBERG: The source of his corruption is what? What’s the evidence of his corruption?

DOWD: You need evidence?

GOLDBERG: Oh, that’s right.

MAHER: [overlapping] Oh, George Bush is not corrupt?

DOWD: What’s the evidence of his corruption? [audience reacts in disbelief]

MAHER: Oil companies.

DOWD: Listen, I—

MAHER: [overlapping] He didn’t drag his feet on global warming—

DOWD: [overlapping]—you could say – you can accuse him of mismanaging many things—

MAHER: [overlapping]—because his money came from oil companies? [applause] I do.

DOWD: You can – you can accuse him of being in over his head. You can accuse him of many things.

MAHER: Right.

DOWD: I don’t think you can accuse him, in my view, of being somebody that’s corrupt.

MAHER: You’re not serious? [audience reacts]

DOWD: Yes. [voices overlap] I don’t – I don’t think you can.

MAHER: [overlapping] When he was running – when he was running in 2000, he said that he would cap CO2 emissions from power plants. He completely forgot that after he got into office. Why? Because the people who gave him his campaign contributions are the people he used to work for, the oil business.

You’re not really – you don’t really think that he’s not aware of global warming, that he suddenly got religion on. [applause]

DOWD: No, my assumption – my assumption, which I think is what’s missing in politics today, on the left and the right – is we all attribute bad intention for bad policy choices. We all attribute bad intention for bad policy choices. Somebody can pick a bad policy – be ignorant, be misguided – and not necessarily have a bad intention.

[Real Time with Bill Maher]
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When Jesus spoke of the doom of Satan, it was because Satan is divided against himself. To be an angel and yet also un-angelic is to erase any future. Sure, it can be done for a time, but it's not a time that lasts. So when one speaks of the duality of man - to be an inhuman human - one speaks of the same short time. In the end, for humanity to survive all inhumanity must be eliminated. It's a simple fact of nature.

But today in the Age of the Snake, many are the serpents who'd have us believe such a time lasts forever. It was that last statement of Matt Dowd that drove me to post this blog. What an insane fucker. He's a man who'll tell you with a smile on his lips and holding a casual cup of coffee of how any mistakes our current President (and by proxy, himself) have made were done with a good heart - that competency is not a part of morality. He says with a straight face that, in effect, an incompetent brain surgeon who makes a vegetable of his wife can still be a good guy as long as he's inept with good intentions. The surgeon was simply misguided or ignorant. Others, of course, may say if you can't do the fucking job, don't take it! Some jobs are just too important - like leader of the free world.

It's an Asian proverb that the opposite of good is good intentions. But even leaving out the issue of competency as a component of integrity, this man Dowd calls Jesus a liar (Chris Matthews has made this same assertion). He's saying Jesus was wrong when he said, "By their fruits ye shall know them." That those who wreak havoc and despair on this world can do so with a good heart, that Hitler was sincerely trying to make Germany a better place. No one's perfect, you know.

What a serious fucking asshole!

Call me crazy, but I'll put my money on Jesus. One day, the Age of the Snake will end and the serpent's lies will be no more.

The Warlord’s Prayer

Hell has brought me here. I have come home. Hell is the only place that does not betray me or expose me. Heaven has rules – hell does not. Success is what I savor. So I go where I thrive. In the jungle, it is the animal that rules. I love it when I feel nature crushed underfoot as I pass through spreading terror. Glory in my destruction! I am the beast and I have come to rule!

Deluded souls come to turn hell into heaven. I welcome them. I wish all to share in my domain. Laughing, they say they will defeat me, thinking they have tricked me by my allowing them in. But in the end they do not realize our goals are the same: to not seek heaven itself. The fools, the followers, the failed, the foul, the fearful, the feculent – please, join my futility, my friends! It is my burning desire.

Many try to destroy me. They cannot. For I am them! Who among you does not believe in war? Who among you says your savior has not a sword? Who among you says the world can live without hate? It’s not me they seek to destroy – it's their own sins they wish to hide. You created me, shaped me in the womb of war, beat the human out of me – for "my own good" – and taught me well your ways. I come back now to eat you, my dead eyes feeling no remorse.


The four corners of the earth are my steppingstones. Your palaces are my outhouses. All the finest things sit at my feet. You declare me outlaw but no matter how many morals you claim none of you defies the beast. Socialism, fascism, communism, capitalism, this ism, that ism – they all worship at the altar of money. The beast is my protector and I have risked all for the beast. To defeat me you must first give up the power given to your money! HAHAHAHAHA!

When I must stop to breathe, I find shelter in your hidden perversions. Thank God you are truly no better than me or my time would be short indeed. The world, you see, is a criminal enterprise. Justice is not its goal; it smothers those who seek it - and by God you're not going to goddam smother me! The criminals may change but our endeavors do not. Put on whatever disguise you want: the policeman's badge, the high priest's robes, the soldier's camouflage or the businessman's suit, just please continue to keep up the hypocritical lie. Without it I die.

This prayer inspired by Viktor Bout, Merchant of Death

I am the god-Man, Goo-Goo, Goo Joob!

"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together."
There were rumors of a new leader around, a Super Leader, unlike you and me. A leader who could be blindly followed and unburden his followers from the unbearable oppression of thinking. No mere mortal was he rumored to be, but a god!

"Awesome, dude! No one can question a god!"

"He’s different than us. He must be better!"

"He shall save me from me!"

They Who Need To Be Led gathered to hear the god-Man, a.k.a. the Man Who Needed No Water. No one could match him! He could cross deserts, had the endurance of twenty men and never needed to pee! Oh, to be like the god-Man and not be bound by earthly rules. This gave fresh hope to the sheeple trudging along in miserable reality.

"Expert textpert choking smokers,
Don't you think the joker laughs at you?"
All hushed as the god-Man began. “There are those among you who say we are all the same on the inside, that universal truths exist for all of us. But I say the only truths are the ones we make!” Wild applause for the new hero. "Don't believe defeatists who tell you nature is the only way. Forget the futurists who see no tomorrow on the road we follow. But embrace the enlightenment that life is as we wish!" Spontaneous cheering - laced with a certain anger -erupted in bitter delight. "To the doubters I say: How do you know what you know? What is the definition of 'know'? Who is anyone to say what absolute reality is? Today, I bring you a new reality and black is no longer just black and white is no longer only white."

The leader’s words fed a need and a hunger in the sheeple for hope, for they were on a hopeless path. Their own unworthy thoughts told them to find a different path, that they were going the wrong way, and such thoughts tormented them in eternal agony. Mercifully, this Man of Superior Thoughts came to show them the error of their ways. Yet, doubters remained and the only way to resolve the truth was by invoking the holy crucible to purge all lies: a Silly Argument.

Silly Men stood on a stage in front of the gasping crowd. It was a Momentous Occasion, for these mental giants would cull truth from the miasmic cloud of illusion, enthralling the watching throng as a magician with his Magic Hat.

The Conspiracist charged first. "You are lying and I have the proof!"

"Show me your proof and I’ll show you my ass!"

"You must take us for fools! Everyone needs water! You cannot survive without it!"

“Poppycock! Love is completely optional! What are you, a biologist? Explain to me just exactly how I quote unquote need water.”

"Well…uh…your body, you know, it just has to have it. I don't have to prove it, everyone knows it."

"But you just said you had proof! Was it only in your mind? If you can’t explain it then it must not be true!" taunted god-Man.

"Dammit, I know I’m right! I just know it…" But the Conspiracist was defeated into silence– only to be replaced by yet another.

"I, sir, am a biologist. This I can tell you: Your body is made up of mostly of water. Approximately 85% of your brain, 80% of your blood and 70% of your muscle is water. Every cell in your body needs water to live. That, sir, is reality."

"No, sir, that is your reality. I tether myself to no reality of yours!"

"It’s the reality of all of us! There are no exceptions!"

"You’re just making up facts to suit yourself, painting me with your own limitations. In a word: you’re a loser! Looo-ser!"

"I’m not a loser! I’m a highly respected biologist! I know what I’m talking about."

But for a Man Who Knew What He Was Talking About – to be the one who spoke truly – how then was he losing the debate? Every eye in the crowd was on the accused loser, questioning him, doubting him. Even he started to question himself. "Look, it’s true. We all need water!” His voice was draining confidence, searching the audience. "You know I’m right. Right?" But cries of 'How do you know?' and 'Fraud!' were gaining momentum , shouting down the biologist who stepped on their dreams. Man-God was happy.

“No one can stand before my truth! Forget the reality you think you know and follow the words I give you! Dream your dreams, there is no reality but the one you make.” It was then he collapsed on stage, dying of dehydration. Curiously, many of god-Man’s most fervent followers felt a sense of relief.

"Elementary penguin singing Hare Krishna,
Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Alan Poe."
"Why, fraud-Man? Why did you do it? All our dreams are crushed now!"

"Mine too!" bemoaned fraud-Man. "But I had to do it. I just don’t believe I can get the water I need. So I chose to believe I didn’t need any. That way I could live."

There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth as fraud-Man died. Ugly, sober reality returned with a vengeance to the wretched sheeple. What hope had they now, forever trapped by the iron grip of their needs? God had placed them in a hopeless existence and farted on them daily.


But through the heavy air came a voice – a new voice, a true voice, the voice of a leader! "That man was a fraud! His only goal to mislead foolish and lost souls, hiding himself in the shadows of your own self-deceptions. He tried to build himself up instead of building others up. Do you hear what I’m saying?" The grateful sheep bahhh-ed in approval. The New Great This-Time-For-Real Leader continued: "Do not be misled again-“ – cries of 'Hell No!' and 'Never again!' ached him – "- for truly I tell you: it is I who needs no water. I am the god-Man, Goo-Goo, Goo Joob!"

Then the sheeple followed him off a cliff.

"I know thee well: a serviceable villain,
As duteous to the vices of thy mistress
As badness would desire."

Bill Maher, Religious Fanatic

Religion, as I've stated by before, is a belief system made up by people to make them feel good about themselves. Then once that belief system is established, it is then ascribed to be in accordance with the truth. So it's pretty easy to see how fights and wars and arguments and other good stuff break out when one religion clashes with another. "I can't be wrong, man. That would mean my whole life is shit!" Well, guess what, dude. Your whole life is shit.

Turns out even the cheapest motel has HBO now. And I saw Bill Maher’s show where he was red-faced and livid over the Bible. Gee, Bill, what did the Bible ever do to you? His answer would probably be along the lines of how he hates the friction religion has caused, the wars fought over it and how it’s used as tool for oppression. But Bill, I asked about the Bible. What he would say after that, who cares. Point is, a true religious fanatic equates religion with God. As clearly Bill Maher does.

Bill represses his religious beliefs. This gives rise to his twisted thinking that if he can somehow disprove a religion that professes there's a God, then his religion that there is no God will be shown to be The Way. Funny logic, that! It’s just one more attempt of trying to establish a self-serving "truth". Just because religion has nothing to do with God doesn’t mean there is no God.


God is like a car loan for a really kick ass car. We drive the car, run around in it, get laid in it – a total blast. God has trusted with this fine thing in the hopes we'll pay Him back. And when we don't pay back the trust shown us, we feel unbearably guilty and start making crap up – like God doesn’t exist (so then nothing is owed!). Or we make up rules saying that to follow them pays back God. No wonder we're all so touchy considering the lies we feed ourselves.

Bill Maher's funniest line of the night was unintentional. Speaking of the Ten Commandments he said they were written for "a primitive people in a primitive world." See if a night under the I-45 bridge doesn’t change your view a bit there, Bill-man. That's the problem with evolutionists, they always think they're the best there ever was. Being backwards in a different way makes you no less backward. Unfortunately for Bill, he actually tried to back up his arguments.

"You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name." Moron Bill misinterprets that to mean you’re not supposed swear. But he couldn't be more goddamn wrong. What it does mean is you don't commit evil acts in the name of God like, say, invading a foreign country for its resources because God told you to. On this I think Bill would be in complete agreement. You Bible-lover, Bill!

"You shall have no other gods before me." Again, in an effort to protect his own religion, Bill twists this meaning to suit his own ends. He tries to say this means don't build statues or whatnot to pray to. But I hate to break it ya, Bill, this world has more gods than you can count that people pray to. I'll never forget that cunt on the phone who willingly brought destruction on my life because I couldn't please her credit rating god. It's all about setting up a god – any god – that you can worship and believe will bring you life. It’s the whole basis for money – serve it and live, refuse and die. It's a metaphor for the real God.


Just as we laugh at ancient peoples praying to little statuettes to save them, so would the first inhabitants laugh at us for poisoning our air and water, killing and raping one another and destroying our future over little pieces of paper we value more than human life. With half the world needlessly starving, mankind is as brutally savage as it ever was. I guess if I were in denial about that I would attack the Bible too. The ugly soul always attacks the mirror. But Bill is also one that fights for fairness and justice and equity and wants an end to violence. You can hear the frustration in his voice when he speaks of such things. If only he didn't let his religion get in the way!

A Perfect Girl

"You, honey" - he breathed in the utmost passion of conviction – "are perfect! Dear God, are you ever perfect!"

'Perfect', the crack cocaine of words. Too weak to even put up a false denial, she succumbed to its intoxicating power. Say nothing! He might take it back! Surging through her veins, the word rushed through, caressing her aches and soothing her woes of reality. If only she could hide in these throes of ecstasy forever!

“You can say anything,” she lied. “Just don’t call me smart. I is a dumb ol’ girl, I am!”

“Honey, you’re perfect to me!” This proclamation was deeper, even better than before. Walls breaking down, she came begging for more.

“But I is really dumb, sir! You just wouldn’t believe! I know you’re way smarter than I could ever be about stuff, but there’s still this little voice inside of me saying I ain’t perfect at all!”

“Hogwash!” was the swift and firm denial – a perfect denial. Hard and fast and completely sure of itself, confidently doing all her thinking for her. She surrendered to its total penetration of her being. “You know what that voice is?” he boomed. “It’s the voice of the Enemy. The Enemy wants to break you down, make you feel like you’re nothin’. That way he can make you do whatever he wants. Don’t listen to the Enemy – listen to me!”

She arched her back in compliance. “I will! I will!”

“Lies like that Voice are snakes! Once you let them inside ya, it’s impossible to get them out. Stay strong with the truth, never forsake your integrity! Do you believe what I'm telling you?”

“Oh, I do, I do! Every inch of it!”

“Good, that’s perfect! Trust me, honey, just so long as you keep doing what you’re doing, no one’s ever going to say a bad word about you!”

And with that, he pulled his dick out.